Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
just being honest
I hate that i changed for a boy who still left anyways and that i blame everyone else but myself for it.
I have pushed all my friends way but keep telling myself they left me.
I eat and get bigger and i honestly dont know why i do it but i keep telling myself its to see who really loves me who my true friends are.
I cut my hair or rip it out when i dont want to be the same person anymore.
I am truly in love with Michael S. Kearse and i will never tell him the real reason why... just bits and pieces but never the whole real reason.not that he cares anyways.
I hate almost everyone around me and its because im a failure.
I still dont believe i will ever get married because i dont believe in that kind of love although i felt it.
I my most foolish thought in the past year and a half was believing that it could work out so long as i had him and her by my side and thinking that they are my best friends.
I hate that i cant be the best friend i always wanted to be 100% of the time... its the thing i want the most to find someone who finds comfort in me and that they can do the same for me.
I have that i force things when i feel like im failing although i know im not i just feel that way because things arent happening the way i want or how i planed.
I never planned on falling in love...thats why i hate that i am.
I did 3 things for the first time in the last year. 1. fall in love. 2. lost faith in god or anything else good i believed in. 3. begged and wished to feel empty again because the feeling i have now is too much.
I now believe being a teen was not the hardest part of my life.
This year I was so close to selling my soul to the devil just to have a boy look me in my face and smile. im so fucking stupid.
The years 2005, 2014 and 2015 will forever go down in my history of being the worst years of my life and June will be the month i despise the most.
I had a new goal. it was that i would be the first female in my family to marry her "high school sweet heart" with out being sperated for years first just so i could be happy and in love with him and not have to worry about him dying first. now i know that we wont get married. id be lucky if we are even friends.
For the first time ever living was not the scariest thing but losing a friend was and not by death.
I haven't got to be 100% honest with anyone not even myself because i always leave something out. <- this sentence so far is the most honest thing ive said my entire life.(maybe)
If i had one wish and knew it would come true with out any quarks im not sure if i would waist it on love or on someone elses life just to make them happy or if id wish for my dream life to come true ... yeah maybe my dream life it seems most realistic because i planned for my dream life not to be perfect just so it could be real. of corse no one will understand what i mean by that.
I abused an animal for the first time in a few years and this time i didnt feel bad about it... at least shes ok.
I am disgusted in who ive become by being myself so i plan to become the person i always wanted to be. only thing is i have been slacking and i feel more like my mother than anybody.
I have alot of negative energy now and its because ive bottled up my feelings for so long. my jealousy makes me the worst person.
I the person i love the most is the person i hate the 2nd most so i dont know what to feel but i keep thinking i would feel better if i felt more hate because then i wouldn't have to feel this pain thats driven by the love.
I still lied to Michael when he asked me to be honest because i thought it would help our relationship.
I wont tell katherine any of my real problems only the stuff that she can detect on her own.
I have always felt comfort in telling strangers the truth rather than my friends or family. there are alot of reasons why but... i dont know.
I know my grandmas dieing soon. ive known for a while. ive never cryed at a funeral i always laugh. but i dont know this time. im not going to be able to handle it because this time im going to lose the person i claimed as my mother the first person i loved or cared about my role model my friend and my grandma all at once and it hurts and im scared i wont have anyone to turn to anymore the first person to ever tell me they love me and shes going to be gone and im the only one that knows i hate this i want to stop crying but i cant i dont know what to do
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Dec-26-
I feel so warm in side just so fucking happy when he blows that kiss and agrees to loving me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6HYI2fRtfo
Thursday, July 30, 2015
venting 1 (parents and child)
this post mainly goes out to my mother theres not much i have to say about my dad because we have never really had much of a problem.
ok first off if if you dont want the responsibility of have a child this includes taking care of them giving them attention feeding then helping with there problems etc.etc. then dont have a damn child this does not mean get an abortion or stuff like that this means 1 dont have sex 2 if your pregnant put the child up for adoption 3 grow the fuck up and raise the child or give it to someone who can and never show your fucking face again. if your child is taught from a young age you are the person that they have to look up to get your shit together and show them that no matter how bad shit gets your there for them. never would i have thought if you asked me at 5 that my mother would be the person i hated the most maybe dislike her for some of the shit she does but not hate her now i understand that people have it worse that some people are not lucky enough to even have their parents in their life but honestly it mite be better off that way and im sorry to those who do have parents in their lifes who treat them way worse than mine treat me because i cant even imagine what they are feeling right now. all that pain and rage and confusion and the hunch you will never get over im sorry i swear i am and my words mite not help but if they could id send so much love because a parent is never suppose to neglect their child regardless if the child is "dis formed, disabled, colored, a sex that they dont want, gay, straight, fat, skinny, tall, short, non talented, or of any race or religion they dont approve of or even if the child was from rape" at the end of the day no matter the story a child is a child that child is your child I DONT CARE IF THE FUCKING BABY COMES OUT LOOKING LIKE ALL THE DAMN ALIENS FROM MEN IN BLACK MERGED TOGETHER. THAT CHILD IS YOUR CHILD. RAISE IT AND RAISE IT RIGHT!!!! i dont care if your child grows up and tells the world HE prefers dick rather than pussy... or if SHE wants pussy rather than dick. or that SHE wants to become a HE .or that HE wants to become a SHE or that they want to dress in drag or be a cross dresser. i dont care if your child has 2 fucking private parts of different genders or two damn heads. i dont care if your child wants to date a different race or practice different religions or wants to eat like a pig all day everyday or what ever the case may be. support your fucking child stay by your child side. if you disapprove of something they do bring it up once respectfully and if they want to keep doing it because it makes them happy let them do it ( this does not include drugs, prostituting, killing, rape, abuse, animal abuse, or bullying if your child is doing any of this then either you did something wrong as a parent or they where taught from someone else or earn by them self but should still be taught that its wrong and get them some help. help isnt always payed for you live in a world with others have people RESPECTFULLY talk to your child and hopefully talk them out of that stuff) you know that shit anit right and sometimes the drugs are just a faze the bulling is just to cover up something else or to get attention and shit like that but sometimes its not sometimes they go back to it or they just do it because they want to ive met people like that ive changed people like that because all that ever happens when they do stuff like that is get called "animals, sick" really and no one stops for a second to think theres a reason behind it all even if the reason is just because they want to do it they are still human and some humans are monsters but only because that what they are taught or driven to. support your child help your child LET YOUR FUCKING CHILD KNOW SOMEONE CARES AND DOESN'T WANT THEM TO HURT THEMSELVES FOR DOING STUPID SHIT. give your child someone to trust. also never be a hater to your own fucking child. my own mother tells me that i will never be successful never get married she laughs in my face when im crying she threatens me and bullys me she beats me up (no not ass whippings when im being bad she fucking fights me when shes mad) she cares more about her drop out privileged son more than me (love your children equally = really) she throws my stuff out and trys to kill me and the second someone comes around she becomes phony acts like she would never do any of that and when i try to get help "oh she delusional she crazy i would never i love my child i want the best for my child i want her to be successful" yeah ok fuck you mom and only 2 or 3 of my friends have ever seen my mom act that way just a little hint of it and im glad they have because they are the only people that can help me be saved. when i as little i believed that someone kid napped my real mom and replaced her with a clone that hates everyone. because there was a time my mother wasn't like this but maybe she was being phony because she never actually had us alone there was always people around . and after we fight she tries to be sweet then she claims to be bi polar... bitch no because you dont act like that to the nigga fucking u and laying in your bed eery night or your son. so shut the fuck up. now although i can go on about my mom and others with their children lets turn to my dad. now i some what have the stereo tipicult "black" father but heres the difference my dads not around NOT because he doesn't want to be but because every time he tries to my mother bullies him and pushes him away and sometimes he cant aford it and i like me and my fathers separated relationship i get to see him we chill talk and keep in contact my dad has hardly ever gve me a problem we fought once and every time we do have a problem its usually when hes drunk. but my thing is if you ever in my life dont come in this shit and act like you run everything you do not control me 100% i am a child not a puppet. now i respect my father because he still makes an effort to see us no matter how much he gets pushed away or bullied or disrespected or doesnt have the money he walks from where he lives to my house to come see us when he cant aford transportation. and he apologizes for hes drunken actions and he tries to make up for it and he tries to keep his word as often as possible hes not all in my bisness all the time and shit and another thing my father hates gays absolutely hates gays. one time he walked in my house to me kissing another girl my best friend and at that moment my girlfriend and he saw it got mad and left at that time he was living with us because i had convened my mother to let him stay with us through his struggle and when he saw that i was kissing her he grabbed all his shit a disappeared for a month he said nothing when he left and he looked so angry but when he came back he took me for a walk and told me he didnt care that i was bi and although he disapproved of it he still loved me the same and if its what made me happy then let it be hes cool with Katherine now and he just doent care when i talk about girls if anything our bond has grown stronger and we can talk about alot more ^.^ but because i know he still disapproves i try not to over do it lol he will punch me in my arm. like buddy punches. the kinds that hurt but dont say i hate you... buddy punches people... anyhoe (anyways) my fathers never really put his hads on me not even when he was drunk and the whole family was fighting i even broke a mirror over his head and even then he didnt hit me. and after a while we just talked because words get to the heart faster than actions although actions speak louder than words... he keeps his distance when he fucks up after apologizing and showing that hes sorry. and he tryes to make up for it so after a while i can for give his shit cuz he makes the effort but. my mom... yeah lucky her i actually hate her so much i stoped calling her my mother for years i called her by her first name and i cant wait untill i get older to disown her . that day will be one of my grates achievements i swear to finaly cut her off and never have to see or hear from her again. :D such a peaceful thought but for now i have to brave this on my own until i become independent with money and am old enough and intelligent enough to file those papers only thing i worry is to legally disown a parent you still need there permission to do it... uggh laws and rules they suck i swear but oh well i will just have to work at it for now. but anyways do your job as a parent please or let someone who is willing and wanting to do it step in. (please excuse my spelling im not only bad at it but i was rushing while typing this.)
ok first off if if you dont want the responsibility of have a child this includes taking care of them giving them attention feeding then helping with there problems etc.etc. then dont have a damn child this does not mean get an abortion or stuff like that this means 1 dont have sex 2 if your pregnant put the child up for adoption 3 grow the fuck up and raise the child or give it to someone who can and never show your fucking face again. if your child is taught from a young age you are the person that they have to look up to get your shit together and show them that no matter how bad shit gets your there for them. never would i have thought if you asked me at 5 that my mother would be the person i hated the most maybe dislike her for some of the shit she does but not hate her now i understand that people have it worse that some people are not lucky enough to even have their parents in their life but honestly it mite be better off that way and im sorry to those who do have parents in their lifes who treat them way worse than mine treat me because i cant even imagine what they are feeling right now. all that pain and rage and confusion and the hunch you will never get over im sorry i swear i am and my words mite not help but if they could id send so much love because a parent is never suppose to neglect their child regardless if the child is "dis formed, disabled, colored, a sex that they dont want, gay, straight, fat, skinny, tall, short, non talented, or of any race or religion they dont approve of or even if the child was from rape" at the end of the day no matter the story a child is a child that child is your child I DONT CARE IF THE FUCKING BABY COMES OUT LOOKING LIKE ALL THE DAMN ALIENS FROM MEN IN BLACK MERGED TOGETHER. THAT CHILD IS YOUR CHILD. RAISE IT AND RAISE IT RIGHT!!!! i dont care if your child grows up and tells the world HE prefers dick rather than pussy... or if SHE wants pussy rather than dick. or that SHE wants to become a HE .or that HE wants to become a SHE or that they want to dress in drag or be a cross dresser. i dont care if your child has 2 fucking private parts of different genders or two damn heads. i dont care if your child wants to date a different race or practice different religions or wants to eat like a pig all day everyday or what ever the case may be. support your fucking child stay by your child side. if you disapprove of something they do bring it up once respectfully and if they want to keep doing it because it makes them happy let them do it ( this does not include drugs, prostituting, killing, rape, abuse, animal abuse, or bullying if your child is doing any of this then either you did something wrong as a parent or they where taught from someone else or earn by them self but should still be taught that its wrong and get them some help. help isnt always payed for you live in a world with others have people RESPECTFULLY talk to your child and hopefully talk them out of that stuff) you know that shit anit right and sometimes the drugs are just a faze the bulling is just to cover up something else or to get attention and shit like that but sometimes its not sometimes they go back to it or they just do it because they want to ive met people like that ive changed people like that because all that ever happens when they do stuff like that is get called "animals, sick" really and no one stops for a second to think theres a reason behind it all even if the reason is just because they want to do it they are still human and some humans are monsters but only because that what they are taught or driven to. support your child help your child LET YOUR FUCKING CHILD KNOW SOMEONE CARES AND DOESN'T WANT THEM TO HURT THEMSELVES FOR DOING STUPID SHIT. give your child someone to trust. also never be a hater to your own fucking child. my own mother tells me that i will never be successful never get married she laughs in my face when im crying she threatens me and bullys me she beats me up (no not ass whippings when im being bad she fucking fights me when shes mad) she cares more about her drop out privileged son more than me (love your children equally = really) she throws my stuff out and trys to kill me and the second someone comes around she becomes phony acts like she would never do any of that and when i try to get help "oh she delusional she crazy i would never i love my child i want the best for my child i want her to be successful" yeah ok fuck you mom and only 2 or 3 of my friends have ever seen my mom act that way just a little hint of it and im glad they have because they are the only people that can help me be saved. when i as little i believed that someone kid napped my real mom and replaced her with a clone that hates everyone. because there was a time my mother wasn't like this but maybe she was being phony because she never actually had us alone there was always people around . and after we fight she tries to be sweet then she claims to be bi polar... bitch no because you dont act like that to the nigga fucking u and laying in your bed eery night or your son. so shut the fuck up. now although i can go on about my mom and others with their children lets turn to my dad. now i some what have the stereo tipicult "black" father but heres the difference my dads not around NOT because he doesn't want to be but because every time he tries to my mother bullies him and pushes him away and sometimes he cant aford it and i like me and my fathers separated relationship i get to see him we chill talk and keep in contact my dad has hardly ever gve me a problem we fought once and every time we do have a problem its usually when hes drunk. but my thing is if you ever in my life dont come in this shit and act like you run everything you do not control me 100% i am a child not a puppet. now i respect my father because he still makes an effort to see us no matter how much he gets pushed away or bullied or disrespected or doesnt have the money he walks from where he lives to my house to come see us when he cant aford transportation. and he apologizes for hes drunken actions and he tries to make up for it and he tries to keep his word as often as possible hes not all in my bisness all the time and shit and another thing my father hates gays absolutely hates gays. one time he walked in my house to me kissing another girl my best friend and at that moment my girlfriend and he saw it got mad and left at that time he was living with us because i had convened my mother to let him stay with us through his struggle and when he saw that i was kissing her he grabbed all his shit a disappeared for a month he said nothing when he left and he looked so angry but when he came back he took me for a walk and told me he didnt care that i was bi and although he disapproved of it he still loved me the same and if its what made me happy then let it be hes cool with Katherine now and he just doent care when i talk about girls if anything our bond has grown stronger and we can talk about alot more ^.^ but because i know he still disapproves i try not to over do it lol he will punch me in my arm. like buddy punches. the kinds that hurt but dont say i hate you... buddy punches people... anyhoe (anyways) my fathers never really put his hads on me not even when he was drunk and the whole family was fighting i even broke a mirror over his head and even then he didnt hit me. and after a while we just talked because words get to the heart faster than actions although actions speak louder than words... he keeps his distance when he fucks up after apologizing and showing that hes sorry. and he tryes to make up for it so after a while i can for give his shit cuz he makes the effort but. my mom... yeah lucky her i actually hate her so much i stoped calling her my mother for years i called her by her first name and i cant wait untill i get older to disown her . that day will be one of my grates achievements i swear to finaly cut her off and never have to see or hear from her again. :D such a peaceful thought but for now i have to brave this on my own until i become independent with money and am old enough and intelligent enough to file those papers only thing i worry is to legally disown a parent you still need there permission to do it... uggh laws and rules they suck i swear but oh well i will just have to work at it for now. but anyways do your job as a parent please or let someone who is willing and wanting to do it step in. (please excuse my spelling im not only bad at it but i was rushing while typing this.)
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
venting 1 (love life)
ok i dont know where to start
i cant tell if im more pissed or happy. if i should feel hate or love. honestly . why? why do i let shit like this get to me now i use let that shit go. ok although i truely believe i love this boy (michael) i cant get over simple shit. fuck him for breaking my heart 2 twice 2nd time worst than the last. fuck him for not caring about my devotion to make him happy and putting him before myself because i harldy do that for anyone i will never understand why i give him this attention he has far too much conrol over my life and i hate it . my thoughts are him. my dreams all about him. anything i write, say, think, do all revoles around him and to him it means nothing yet i cant stop and i want to i really do ive tryed. i lose sleep for him every night to keep him happy and entrtained. i lose privlages . i change. i become someone im not for him and ill become the person i always wanted to be for him. i would change and give up everything, do what ever i have to if i even think for a second it will please him.and i dont understand it. before if i felt the slightest bit of doubt or problem in a relationship or if i have a crush and somethings not right then just like that im done that person is now trash.fuck his stupid ass girlfriend he wouldnt even be with her if it wasnt for me and i dont fucking understand why if u like a girl because she reminds u of someone else and u can have that someone else why stay with that person? can she give u something i cant? and why if u like her so much why would u bully her for almost the whole year and have everyone talk about a hoe but the second she does some slick sligh shit to u u suddently want to act like it never happened and blame everyone else for what you started and make everyone else the criminal for what u fucking did. i didnt call her a hoe untill u gave me a good reason to and when i denied it she gave me all the reasons not to yet its still my fault. but i guess your right it is my fault for letting you turn me into a bitterr bitch and a bully. fuck you michael for everything youve done to me and fuck my feeling and this shitty heart of mine for falling for the bullshit. like really did i even hear what u where saying at the time ? "your the first girl ive ever dated and the girl i want to marry i promise" yeah ok bull shit cuz where are we now? u claim that u love me and that we are bestfriends but you bull shit me everyday u show no love in your text you claim to miss me but have every excuse to not come see me and hardly contact me we all know you have no fucking life you sleep eat and be a fuck boy all day. and god it works for you.... but im being foolish agian because i can sit here and point out 50+ reason why i should hate you but still find 100+ reasons to love u and turn that 50 negitives to positives . it just goes to show how foolish i truly am. on the 26 that friday. when i looked you in your damn eyes and saw u crying i felt like it was my fault cuz i made a promise to take care of you and keep you happy. i didnt do it because i was asked i did it because i love you and i just wanted to. you let the damn girl break your heart and the next day you welcomed her with open arms but even though it makes me mad every day ask u to do the same with me to forgive me for what i did to you. to welcome me with open arms and trust me. i see why u wouldnt want to but shit if it was so easy for you to do for her why is it so hard with me ? like i said you dont love me you dont care. your just fucking with me for revenge and u know it and you wont admit it because u know if u do you can never have that power over me again. so you let me hold on to fauls hope so u can hurt me. the way i hurt you right? so i can feel the pain you felt that day? is that what it is? is that what u want? because youve hurt me in ways i couldnt even image. i cry so often now and i cry everywhere in my clost in my bed , shower, streets, school, parks, everywhere i hardly ever cried before meeting you. i cry just thinking about u . at one point my biggest fear was to here you say that you hate me and those words just the tought of you wanting to say it killed me. i cried instantly . when u told me you didnt want to be friends i cryed i screamed i pulled my skin and ripped my hair out i through tantrums and attempted suicide multiple times.and all because we had a minor problem. i hate when u dont let me talk to you cause i have so much bottled up and i want to say it but even if we talk 100% honestly i know i will only spend the time i have to talk to trying to explain how much i love you in hopes that it will make a difference and that u could understand and see that i do love you and that i want want to be good to you and love you and treat you right and show u i can and will do it but i know after its all said and done you wont say anything or you will just ask is that it as if its not enough.... and my heart will hurt again and i would just want to kill you luitlleraly kill you in the most burtal way. then wonder why i spent the time telling u how much i love you rather than explaining how much i hate you........fuck you michael i asked you not to make me fall in love and yes YOU MADE ME MADE. ME. its not someting i have control over cuz i tried to avoi it i swear i tried puhing you away and and not falling but you just always came at me twice as hard and after fighting for so long i gave in because you gave me every reason to love you and you mended my broken heart that had been broken and hurt for years befoe i met you by people who mean more than you and somehow u fixed it and that was all i needed but now i feel like shit because ive been sitting infront of my computer for 5 hours waiting for you to just simply look at my text. and ....is stupid it really is. i knew it i knew i should have never told you that day that i loved u i knew i should have just broken up with u when i found out you no longer loved me i knew i should have ended it a long time ago but no ... now i have to suffer because this is the price of my stupid actions. and my selfishness.shame full i still feel like i didnt learn anything at all..over a year dealing with u and still nothing....and i had people who cared about me. bestfriends, family, crushes. people who cared about me that i cared about that i pushed away because i figure it would pleas you because you where just so unhappy when they where around.katherine. my bestfriend for 6 years by my side though thick and thin and was my ex too and still stayed my friend she took care of me when my own mother wouldnt and i pushed her away for u because when we hung out it made you jealos. and after i pushed her away she still fucking came around and still fucking takes acre of me i didnt even give her a reason why i though thoses 5 years away like that and she didnt care because in her mind we never actually stoped being friends. i didnt text her. call her, go see her, no updates, i blocked her at one point. and she still came around. then den he trusted you. den doesnt trust anyone ever, not even me he loves me hes saved my life over 4 times hes always stoped me before doing someting foolish and that boy was a damn angel. he devoted everything to me and he left me because he trusted that you michael that you could take care of me better than him. ... its impossible. i pushed james away. rosario, my dad, my grandma, my couisn so many people who have been with me for years just for you and our relaionship and you wont even smile for me.your wrothless your a pices of shit michael.. and if u love me the way u say you do then why did you do it why did you say yes to breaking up why did you find a different girl, why wont you talk to me and whydont you tell me the truth untill we are fighting and even then why is it onlly beating around the bush? why isnt it the whole truth. why is it that i even tho i have so many reasons to hate you... im still maddly in love with u. why dont you love me anymore and why wont you admit it?
i cant tell if im more pissed or happy. if i should feel hate or love. honestly . why? why do i let shit like this get to me now i use let that shit go. ok although i truely believe i love this boy (michael) i cant get over simple shit. fuck him for breaking my heart 2 twice 2nd time worst than the last. fuck him for not caring about my devotion to make him happy and putting him before myself because i harldy do that for anyone i will never understand why i give him this attention he has far too much conrol over my life and i hate it . my thoughts are him. my dreams all about him. anything i write, say, think, do all revoles around him and to him it means nothing yet i cant stop and i want to i really do ive tryed. i lose sleep for him every night to keep him happy and entrtained. i lose privlages . i change. i become someone im not for him and ill become the person i always wanted to be for him. i would change and give up everything, do what ever i have to if i even think for a second it will please him.and i dont understand it. before if i felt the slightest bit of doubt or problem in a relationship or if i have a crush and somethings not right then just like that im done that person is now trash.fuck his stupid ass girlfriend he wouldnt even be with her if it wasnt for me and i dont fucking understand why if u like a girl because she reminds u of someone else and u can have that someone else why stay with that person? can she give u something i cant? and why if u like her so much why would u bully her for almost the whole year and have everyone talk about a hoe but the second she does some slick sligh shit to u u suddently want to act like it never happened and blame everyone else for what you started and make everyone else the criminal for what u fucking did. i didnt call her a hoe untill u gave me a good reason to and when i denied it she gave me all the reasons not to yet its still my fault. but i guess your right it is my fault for letting you turn me into a bitterr bitch and a bully. fuck you michael for everything youve done to me and fuck my feeling and this shitty heart of mine for falling for the bullshit. like really did i even hear what u where saying at the time ? "your the first girl ive ever dated and the girl i want to marry i promise" yeah ok bull shit cuz where are we now? u claim that u love me and that we are bestfriends but you bull shit me everyday u show no love in your text you claim to miss me but have every excuse to not come see me and hardly contact me we all know you have no fucking life you sleep eat and be a fuck boy all day. and god it works for you.... but im being foolish agian because i can sit here and point out 50+ reason why i should hate you but still find 100+ reasons to love u and turn that 50 negitives to positives . it just goes to show how foolish i truly am. on the 26 that friday. when i looked you in your damn eyes and saw u crying i felt like it was my fault cuz i made a promise to take care of you and keep you happy. i didnt do it because i was asked i did it because i love you and i just wanted to. you let the damn girl break your heart and the next day you welcomed her with open arms but even though it makes me mad every day ask u to do the same with me to forgive me for what i did to you. to welcome me with open arms and trust me. i see why u wouldnt want to but shit if it was so easy for you to do for her why is it so hard with me ? like i said you dont love me you dont care. your just fucking with me for revenge and u know it and you wont admit it because u know if u do you can never have that power over me again. so you let me hold on to fauls hope so u can hurt me. the way i hurt you right? so i can feel the pain you felt that day? is that what it is? is that what u want? because youve hurt me in ways i couldnt even image. i cry so often now and i cry everywhere in my clost in my bed , shower, streets, school, parks, everywhere i hardly ever cried before meeting you. i cry just thinking about u . at one point my biggest fear was to here you say that you hate me and those words just the tought of you wanting to say it killed me. i cried instantly . when u told me you didnt want to be friends i cryed i screamed i pulled my skin and ripped my hair out i through tantrums and attempted suicide multiple times.and all because we had a minor problem. i hate when u dont let me talk to you cause i have so much bottled up and i want to say it but even if we talk 100% honestly i know i will only spend the time i have to talk to trying to explain how much i love you in hopes that it will make a difference and that u could understand and see that i do love you and that i want want to be good to you and love you and treat you right and show u i can and will do it but i know after its all said and done you wont say anything or you will just ask is that it as if its not enough.... and my heart will hurt again and i would just want to kill you luitlleraly kill you in the most burtal way. then wonder why i spent the time telling u how much i love you rather than explaining how much i hate you........fuck you michael i asked you not to make me fall in love and yes YOU MADE ME MADE. ME. its not someting i have control over cuz i tried to avoi it i swear i tried puhing you away and and not falling but you just always came at me twice as hard and after fighting for so long i gave in because you gave me every reason to love you and you mended my broken heart that had been broken and hurt for years befoe i met you by people who mean more than you and somehow u fixed it and that was all i needed but now i feel like shit because ive been sitting infront of my computer for 5 hours waiting for you to just simply look at my text. and ....is stupid it really is. i knew it i knew i should have never told you that day that i loved u i knew i should have just broken up with u when i found out you no longer loved me i knew i should have ended it a long time ago but no ... now i have to suffer because this is the price of my stupid actions. and my selfishness.shame full i still feel like i didnt learn anything at all..over a year dealing with u and still nothing....and i had people who cared about me. bestfriends, family, crushes. people who cared about me that i cared about that i pushed away because i figure it would pleas you because you where just so unhappy when they where around.katherine. my bestfriend for 6 years by my side though thick and thin and was my ex too and still stayed my friend she took care of me when my own mother wouldnt and i pushed her away for u because when we hung out it made you jealos. and after i pushed her away she still fucking came around and still fucking takes acre of me i didnt even give her a reason why i though thoses 5 years away like that and she didnt care because in her mind we never actually stoped being friends. i didnt text her. call her, go see her, no updates, i blocked her at one point. and she still came around. then den he trusted you. den doesnt trust anyone ever, not even me he loves me hes saved my life over 4 times hes always stoped me before doing someting foolish and that boy was a damn angel. he devoted everything to me and he left me because he trusted that you michael that you could take care of me better than him. ... its impossible. i pushed james away. rosario, my dad, my grandma, my couisn so many people who have been with me for years just for you and our relaionship and you wont even smile for me.your wrothless your a pices of shit michael.. and if u love me the way u say you do then why did you do it why did you say yes to breaking up why did you find a different girl, why wont you talk to me and whydont you tell me the truth untill we are fighting and even then why is it onlly beating around the bush? why isnt it the whole truth. why is it that i even tho i have so many reasons to hate you... im still maddly in love with u. why dont you love me anymore and why wont you admit it?
Sunday, July 26, 2015
fruits basket...
that bitter depression that comes with episode 8 of fruits basket....a heart breaking love story. my favorite candy with a dull taste but it gets me each time.
"theres no place for a rice ball in a fruits basket" <3 </3
100 things to learn from so little time.
"theres no place for a rice ball in a fruits basket" <3 </3
100 things to learn from so little time.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Letter to Michael 2
Dear Michael S. Kearse,
Thank you, I love you. I am Sorry. I miss you. Do you love and miss me too?
That right there could be the whole letter as a few sentences. but i have much more to say so in advance i am sorry for having you read so many notes.
Thank you. for mending my heart after years worth of pain and heart break. For being there for me when no one else was. For loving me. For treating my like a queen and making me feel like a goddess. For putting up with my constant bullshit and weirdness. For sticking around when i asked you to go but really needed you to stay.For coming around when i pushed you away. For not leaving when i was a complete bitch to you. For making me feel beautiful. For taking my pain and hurt away.For doing the things i thought were impossible.For showing me how to love again.Thank you for so much more and everything you have ever done for me.
I love you. Like actually love you. you have done so much for me and you just cant understand how i feel. but i love you that's for sure.
I am sorry for how i treated you. For never showing you that i appreciate everything you did for me. For never showing you that i love you, For breaking your heart. For being an asshole to you because i don't know how to express my love for you.For never telling nor showing how grateful i am and was to have you in my life.For being a bad girlfriend and a friend. For spilling my heart to you far "too late" (never too late but was too late for us to get back together.) For trying to destroy your new relationship because of jealousy.For hurting you so many times. For rushing things. For you know ....sexual things.For the things i didn't say. For everything else i did and didn't do.For being an obsessive creep.
I miss you. I honestly miss being with you i cant get over that.I swear the second you give me the chance to be with you again im dropping everything and doing just that. Im going to prove to you that i love you and show it this time im going to try and make up for everything and im not going to make the same mistakes anymore. Just so you know. Im going to treat you like the King that you are.I just want to hug you and kiss you hard, give you the world and be your Queen.I kinda just want you to myself. Sorry if im being selfish. <3 <3 <3
Im curios how you feel because you hardly ever tell me how you feel and when you do (Please don't kill me) honestly i get distracted by the voices in my head yelling "i love you" and "kiss him".Its hard for me to actually listen you also you speak low and i cant hear u when u talk and you don't like to repeat stuff so.... Yeah. Sorry. Just wondering if you miss me or love me and stuff... These sorry's and questions must be annoying i hope im not being a nag.(Just know that im for real.)
Thank you, I love you. I am Sorry. I miss you. Do you love and miss me too?
That right there could be the whole letter as a few sentences. but i have much more to say so in advance i am sorry for having you read so many notes.
Thank you. for mending my heart after years worth of pain and heart break. For being there for me when no one else was. For loving me. For treating my like a queen and making me feel like a goddess. For putting up with my constant bullshit and weirdness. For sticking around when i asked you to go but really needed you to stay.For coming around when i pushed you away. For not leaving when i was a complete bitch to you. For making me feel beautiful. For taking my pain and hurt away.For doing the things i thought were impossible.For showing me how to love again.Thank you for so much more and everything you have ever done for me.
I love you. Like actually love you. you have done so much for me and you just cant understand how i feel. but i love you that's for sure.
I am sorry for how i treated you. For never showing you that i appreciate everything you did for me. For never showing you that i love you, For breaking your heart. For being an asshole to you because i don't know how to express my love for you.For never telling nor showing how grateful i am and was to have you in my life.For being a bad girlfriend and a friend. For spilling my heart to you far "too late" (never too late but was too late for us to get back together.) For trying to destroy your new relationship because of jealousy.For hurting you so many times. For rushing things. For you know ....sexual things.For the things i didn't say. For everything else i did and didn't do.For being an obsessive creep.
I miss you. I honestly miss being with you i cant get over that.I swear the second you give me the chance to be with you again im dropping everything and doing just that. Im going to prove to you that i love you and show it this time im going to try and make up for everything and im not going to make the same mistakes anymore. Just so you know. Im going to treat you like the King that you are.I just want to hug you and kiss you hard, give you the world and be your Queen.I kinda just want you to myself. Sorry if im being selfish. <3 <3 <3
Im curios how you feel because you hardly ever tell me how you feel and when you do (Please don't kill me) honestly i get distracted by the voices in my head yelling "i love you" and "kiss him".Its hard for me to actually listen you also you speak low and i cant hear u when u talk and you don't like to repeat stuff so.... Yeah. Sorry. Just wondering if you miss me or love me and stuff... These sorry's and questions must be annoying i hope im not being a nag.(Just know that im for real.)
july/8/2015 just a piece of mind
i wonder if he has any idea how i feel about him. i feel stupid a lot when it comes to him because i find myself loving him then thinking if he loves me back then feeling like he does but everything that makes me feel like he does can be applied to the other girl in his life the things i don't know about him.then something reminds me can also hate me more than anything. something i hate about him is that he doesn't speak his mind and when he tries he worries to much about saying the right words and piecing it together to get the reaction he wants then he worries about hurting the other person or what would/ could happen depending on what he says rather than just saying how he feels the best he can. there's so much i want ugghhh i want him to know that im his best friend and if he wants his lover that he can tell me anything and everything regardless of what or who its about if he wants even if its about me i want him to be happy and i want to be the one that causes his happiness and takes away his pain i want him to know that he has a home and a 2nd one that people love him for real and they care that nothing in this world can make me stop loving him but him. i want him to feel save and peace when i hug him and look into his eyes. i want him to feel what i feel when he is around me _ minus the pain hurt and wonder that comes with the evil thought that he doesn't feel the same and that i mite be the thing he despises the most secondary to whatever hurts his girlfriend and stops them from being together. i want him to understand that i want to see and know that he is more than ok that hes happy even if im not the cause that his happiness and peace is more import to me than my own life and what will happen to the other people i love after im gone.i want him to understand how much he means to me.i want him happy i want his healthy i want him satisfied but i also want him to myself . i hate being selfish but im in love and there's no doubting it that i can tell the difference now between crushing falling and actually loving. honestly love is painful because no matter what u do or say all you want is to put the person you love before everything because you feel without them that there is nothing. with out them you have nothing no friends no family no thoughts no voice no feeling no vision of anything around you if there is anything to be around you no light no dark no nothing. every day 3 things run through my mind the memories of the moment i feel in love with him that day in the park the day and memories of the time i almost lost him and how i reacted screaming in terror and violently shaking losing fate in god and the memories of his face when he was heartbroken and how i felt when i saw it when i saw his drowning eyes and red face when i saw and felt the sadness and sickness in his face and thinking about it now i noticed something each one of those times all i remember is being breathless saying nothing staireing at nothing blankly and feeling fear each time all i felt was fear. not fake fear like the kind when some scares you but real fear the one that scars you forever and literally doesn't get worse its the same feeling you feel empty you have 10000 to 0 thoughts all at once you know your shaking and your eyes are bouncing around but your sight is focused each time i felt this fear moments are the 1st thing that goes through my mind is wow i really love him damn i hurt him and i cant fucking fix it why am i here? this fear there's no tears no heart beat nothing and all though its fear you just aren't scared you just know you don't want to feel it again. i keep feeling like he doesn't love me that for some reason he doesn't want me to exist but he always tells me otherwise he hasn't said it yet he hasn't said the words "i dont love you" or "i hate you" but i feel it like when i felt his love and when i felt the absence of it too. i wish he would say it if its true but at the same time i fear itt he most to know to be 100% sure he doesn't ...love me. some days i feel like he is leading me on just so he can break me so i can feel what ever it was he feel when i broke his heart.......ugh i hate saying that I BROKE HIS HEART what the fuck is wrong with me how could i do that to him after everything hes done for me? why? why did i do it? how could it? am i really that much of a bitch am i really that fucking stupid? ever scene he told me that i haven't looked at my face or body the same i look in the mirror and see my mom. breeana no longer exist everyone else has always been imaginary. i broke his heart. i hurt the boy that took away my greatest pain and fear I BETRAYED HIM i was raped when i was little not once but 3 times by my uncles cousins and 4th boyfriend. i saw my aunts heartbroken and seen people commit suicide right before my eyes ive seen my pets get killed and abused beaten seen peoples heads bashed in and have been in abusive relationships all before i even turned 10 and stupid shit and i seen it all and always chose to ignore it because i was tough 1 thing by my mother that if you ignore monsters they will go away these things were my monsters but they never go away they just keep coming and now i am one because i became one of the monsters i hate the most...a heart breaker. i remember being in my closet that day it was dark and i closed out every bit of light there was and for hours i screamed and screamed untill i couldn't any more i cried untill i passed out and when i woke up no one was there to save me i cut my legs and carved the thing that bothered me the most in them just words and cuts rape,mom,abuse, all of it carving it into myself just couldnt stop and till this day no one really knows i told Michael but barely. my mother is clueless she use to come in the bathroom and see the blood on the tolet and sink and in the tub and she found the razors in my room but never knew i ut myself she ignored me when i showed her and told her about it and she acts as if it never happen then wonder why i hate her WHY HAVE A CHILD IF YOUR NOT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM sometimes when she does hear my problems she laughs in my face she makes me sick. all the pain, rage,hate,sickness everything i feel and felt before Michael took it away he made me happy and treated me like he love me more than anyone in this world and because i told myself that no can love me if my own mother cant i just ignored it and pushed him way i broke up with him and broke his heart and even after all that he fucking stayed not just once i keep making the same dumb ass mistake i hurt him several times and each time he came back and did nothing but loved me harder and i couldn't even tell him how much i appreciate it i didn't even tell him how much i love him simply because i was scared and im just sorry for it im sorry that we even met because he is a great guy and he never deserved to be treated like that. never i just have to repay him for everything he has done for me. i have to try and even this out i dont care if it takes the rest of my life i have to do it. he keeps telling me i saved him from killing himself that i saved his life but he gave me mine back after it was gone. how do you even....he mended my broken heart he put real smiles on my face he made be feel happiness i haven't felt in a long time. he managed to get me to want to marry and possibly have children he gave me a purpose for life he gave me a life and he loves me and what did i do for him besides hurt him? he gave nothing but good and all i did was take and gave nothing he must feel like the fucking giving tree or some shit. he has no clue. and although he did break my heart again after fixing it i jst forgive him thats the least i could do. wont even bother to tell him. im waiting for the day i cant tell him how i feel tell him how i always felt and hear what he has to say just from his heart regardless if its good or bad i want him to know that im here for him how he was for me times 3 and if he loves me still after its all said and done im gonna give him the world im just going to do what ever it is to please him to repay him for all he has done twice as much i will 100% give him what ever i can what ever he wants. and hopefully marry him. im going to be loyal and honest im going to work hard with him or without him and do what ever be independent do i dont get on his nevers bite my tongue when i want to argue idk im going to do it right what ever it is. im going to make him happy better yet more than that. scene he is my king im going to treat him like he is the only existing one. im going to make him live that title of being king hes going to feel like one because he deserves to and he makes me feel like a queen sometimes even a goddess damn it i love him. i just love him. and i wish he knew. im wring him a letter im not sure if i ever am going to let him read it but im making it... fuck
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Storys of michael broken heart addition
This is heartbreak…
That tight pull tearing burning feeling in you chest
The explosive gas that makes you regeritate constantly in your tummy and sick taste in your through
That instant depression that doesn't even eez its way in it just pops up
That feeling of being so weak that you will be the luckiest person if you don't collapse the second you feel it
The burn in your eyes you get from trying with all your mite not to cry in public
The feeling that everything everyone gave up for you and u just can fix it
The feeling that life nor death even wants you
The feeling that all your happy memories were just building you up to drop you down a line that ends with a bed of the sharpest spikes and you know your going to feel each one with agonizing pains
This is what my heart break feels like but that said part is that its all real...
What happened to you?
Storys of michael 2
I swear I love michael but some days I have my doubt's about our relationship like how much I'm fucking it up and if he even cares anymore at this point .... I still want to be with him but at some point he just gonna leave I know he is. And its like I'm cutting the days off the less I trust him. I've noticed that I've been blaming him for the things my past have done then I keep listing to my mother she keeps saying that he doesn't really love me that he's most likely cheating that he.... Why the fuck do I believe her anyways she almost always wrong if michael is or has done anything to put our relationship in jepordy he would tell me like I tell him. And we would be able to work together and fix it or we would just let it go but I don't know it's not really him I don't trust its these hoe-ish girls I mean I don't blame them because Durr michael is not only sexy but he is smart and sweet and extra loveable >~< mech and then its also michael lies to me but then again I lie to him too...I lie to everyone even myself my trust issues are getting in the way of the things I want the most like to stay with him or to be a better girlfriend... I want to talk to him about it but I don't think he wants to have these talks.... IMA just going to change my behavior and let what ever happens happen there is no point in me trying to save what's already... Uuggg only if we were just as honest as the days we were that made us get back together and if these girls would just leave michael alone...
Storys of michael
I know you probably are tired of me always bringing this stuff up but I have a lot to get off my chest
But you gotta understand that its really hard to hide emotions when you've been holding it in for so long
Its obvious that you may have somethings to say too but since you don't ever want to talk its kinda difficult to get along
I wasn't really mad at you when you were walking away I was upset because we aren't getting together and for some dumb reason I keep trying to change that so every time your with another girl or you leave me my heart breaks a little but the pain is massive
When your around jasmine and zanaya every time you hug a girl or leave with Louis or by yourself I get so fucking angry because I really feel like you are done with me and it seems like every time I attempt to fix it someone gets in the way and I feel like I'm in a compition or your just not in the mood and I don't know what to do so I blame it on others and I secretly hate a lot of people because of it I only talk to other boys to get your attention your the only one that really matters to me
I don't know michael all I can say is I'm sorry.
Friday, May 8, 2015
How i made a monster
Today is may-8-2015.
Around 4:30pm- 8:00pm I had my best friend/ ex boyfriend in my house and during that time i decided that if his girlfriend said I could "rape" him (sexualy tease him even when he doesn't want it) I chose to take as much advantage of that as Ipossibly could. Seeing as he had a girlfriend and we both disagree about cheating I figured hey why don't we tease but not let anything get out of hand. Well that obviously didn't go as planned for 2 and a half hours we were fine the teasing was on and off and he wouldn't even let me get all that close to him. I respected that so the teasing went from physical to verbal tho I was curled up in his arms like we ever movie fairy tale lovers. It was going perfectly fine. We were throwing sub's at each other (sub'sslang for planely hinting at ones past or currentactions talking about one or a group of people but oobvious enough not to make the wrong person think its about them.) We bugged at each other and we talked in our sexy voice whispered and even made funny faces. Cute right? But something he said made me climb on top of him thus making the teasing physical again and during the time of being on top of him in riding position he happened to thrust his boner on me causing me to bite my lip and my body to getwweak. I could barley hold myself up and my body was vibrating from fear and a sensible mix of hormones (Iam only 16 sadly) so iI leaned in closer Andi looked in his eyes and he made a face. I recognizedthe face bbecause we had been dating from June-2-2014 up until april-21-2015 we almost made a year on may second but I broke up with him because I thought he was cheating on me with girl girl he is currently dating and he was fine by it because he thought I was cheating on him with his 3rd best friend Louis which by the way Iwant bbecause I'mnot iinterested in him and if I wanted to be with Louis I would have left not cheated.
Around 4:30pm- 8:00pm I had my best friend/ ex boyfriend in my house and during that time i decided that if his girlfriend said I could "rape" him (sexualy tease him even when he doesn't want it) I chose to take as much advantage of that as Ipossibly could. Seeing as he had a girlfriend and we both disagree about cheating I figured hey why don't we tease but not let anything get out of hand. Well that obviously didn't go as planned for 2 and a half hours we were fine the teasing was on and off and he wouldn't even let me get all that close to him. I respected that so the teasing went from physical to verbal tho I was curled up in his arms like we ever movie fairy tale lovers. It was going perfectly fine. We were throwing sub's at each other (sub'sslang for planely hinting at ones past or currentactions talking about one or a group of people but oobvious enough not to make the wrong person think its about them.) We bugged at each other and we talked in our sexy voice whispered and even made funny faces. Cute right? But something he said made me climb on top of him thus making the teasing physical again and during the time of being on top of him in riding position he happened to thrust his boner on me causing me to bite my lip and my body to getwweak. I could barley hold myself up and my body was vibrating from fear and a sensible mix of hormones (Iam only 16 sadly) so iI leaned in closer Andi looked in his eyes and he made a face. I recognizedthe face bbecause we had been dating from June-2-2014 up until april-21-2015 we almost made a year on may second but I broke up with him because I thought he was cheating on me with girl girl he is currently dating and he was fine by it because he thought I was cheating on him with his 3rd best friend Louis which by the way Iwant bbecause I'mnot iinterested in him and if I wanted to be with Louis I would have left not cheated.
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