july/8/2015 just a piece of mind

i wonder if he has any idea how i feel about him. i feel stupid a lot when it comes to him because i find myself loving him then thinking if he loves me back then feeling like he does but everything that makes me feel like he does can be applied to the other girl in his life the things i don't know about him.then something reminds me can also hate me more than anything. something i hate about him is that he doesn't speak his mind and when he tries he worries to much about saying the right words and piecing it together to get the reaction he wants then he worries about hurting the other person or what would/ could happen depending on what he says rather than just saying how he feels the best he can. there's so much i want ugghhh i want him to know that im his best friend and if he wants his lover that he can tell me anything and everything regardless of what or who its about if he wants even if its about me i want him to be happy and i want to be the one that causes his happiness and takes away his pain i want him to know that he has a home and a 2nd one that people love him for real and they care that nothing in this world can make me stop loving him but him. i want him to feel save and peace when i hug him and look into his eyes. i want him to feel what i feel when he is around me _ minus the pain hurt and wonder that comes with the evil thought that he doesn't feel the same and that i mite be the thing he despises the most secondary to whatever hurts his girlfriend and stops them from being together. i want him to understand that i want to see and know that he is more than ok that hes happy even if im not the cause that his happiness and peace is more import to me than my own life and what will happen to the other people i love after im gone.i want him to understand how much he means to me.i want him happy i want his healthy i want him satisfied but i also want him to myself . i hate being selfish but im in love and there's no doubting it that i can tell the difference now between crushing falling and actually loving. honestly love is painful because no matter what u do or say all you want is to put the person you love before everything because you feel without them that there is nothing. with out them you have nothing no friends no family no thoughts no voice no feeling no vision of anything around you if there is anything to be around you no light no dark no nothing. every day 3 things run through my mind the memories of the moment i feel in love with him that day in the park the day and memories of the time i almost lost him and how i reacted screaming in terror and violently shaking losing fate in god and the memories of his face when he was heartbroken and how i felt when i saw it when i saw his drowning eyes and red face when i saw and felt the sadness and sickness in his face and thinking about it now i noticed something each one of those times all i remember is being breathless saying nothing staireing at nothing blankly and feeling fear each time all i felt was fear. not fake fear like the kind when some scares you but real fear the one that scars you forever and literally doesn't get worse its the same feeling you feel empty you have 10000 to 0 thoughts all at once you know your shaking and your eyes are bouncing around but your sight is focused each time i felt this fear moments are the 1st thing that goes through my mind is wow i really love him damn i hurt him and i cant fucking fix it why am i here? this fear there's no tears no heart beat nothing and all though its fear you just aren't scared you just know you don't want to feel it again. i keep feeling like he doesn't love me that for some reason he doesn't want me to exist but he always tells me otherwise he hasn't said it yet he hasn't said the words "i dont love you" or "i hate you" but i feel it like when i felt his love and when i felt the absence of it too. i wish he would say it if its true but at the same time i fear itt he most to know to be 100% sure he doesn't ...love me. some days i feel like he is leading me on just so he can break me so i can feel what ever it was he feel when i broke his heart.......ugh i hate saying that I BROKE HIS HEART what the fuck is wrong with me how could i do that to him after everything hes done for me? why? why did i do it? how could it? am i really that much of a bitch am i really that fucking stupid? ever scene he told me that i haven't looked at my face or body the same i look in the mirror and see my mom. breeana no longer exist everyone else has always been imaginary. i broke his heart. i hurt the boy that took away my greatest pain and fear I BETRAYED HIM i was raped when i was little not once but 3 times by my uncles cousins and 4th boyfriend. i saw my aunts heartbroken and seen people commit suicide right before my eyes ive seen my pets get killed and abused beaten seen peoples heads bashed in and have been in abusive relationships all before i even turned 10 and stupid shit and i seen it all and always chose to ignore it because i was tough 1 thing by my mother that if you ignore monsters they will go away these things were my monsters but they never go away they just keep coming and now i am one because i became one of the monsters i hate the most...a heart breaker. i remember being in my closet that day it was dark and i closed out every bit of light there was and for hours i screamed and screamed untill i couldn't any more i cried untill i passed out and when i woke up no one was there to save me i cut my legs and carved the thing that bothered me the most in them just words and cuts rape,mom,abuse, all of it carving it into myself just couldnt stop and till this day no one really knows i told Michael but barely. my mother is clueless she use to come in the bathroom and see the blood on the tolet and sink and in the tub and she found the razors in my room but never knew i ut myself she ignored me when i showed her and told her about it and she acts as if it never happen then wonder why i hate her WHY HAVE A CHILD IF YOUR NOT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM sometimes when she does hear my problems she laughs in my face she makes me sick. all the pain, rage,hate,sickness everything i feel and felt before Michael took it away he made me happy and treated me like he love me more than anyone in this world and because i told myself that no can love me if my own mother cant i just ignored it and pushed him way i broke up with him and broke his heart and even after all that he fucking stayed not just once i keep making the same dumb ass mistake i hurt him several times and each time he came back and did nothing but loved me harder and i couldn't even tell him how much i appreciate it i didn't even tell him how much i love him simply because i was scared and im just sorry for it im sorry that we even met because he is a great guy and he never deserved to be treated like that. never i just have to repay him for everything he has done for me. i have to try and even this out i dont care if it takes the rest of my life i have to do it. he keeps telling me i saved him from killing himself that i saved his life but he gave me mine back after it was gone. how do you even....he mended my broken heart he put real smiles on my face he made be feel happiness i haven't felt in a long time. he managed to get me to want to marry and possibly have children he gave me a purpose for life he gave me a life and he loves me and what did i do for him besides hurt him? he gave nothing but good and all i did was take and gave nothing he must feel like the fucking giving tree or some shit. he has no clue. and although he did break my heart again after fixing it i jst forgive  him thats the least i could do. wont even bother to tell him. im waiting for the day i cant tell him how i feel tell him how i always felt and hear what he has to say just from his heart regardless if its good or bad i want him to know that im here for him how he was for me times 3 and if he loves me still after its all said and done im gonna give him the world im just going to do what ever it is to please him to repay him for all he has done twice as much i will 100% give him what ever i can what ever he wants. and hopefully marry him. im going to be loyal and honest im going to work hard with him or without him and do what ever be independent do i dont get on his nevers bite my tongue when i want to argue idk im going to do it right what ever it is. im going to make him happy better yet more than that. scene he is my king im going to treat him like he is the only existing one. im going to make him live that title of being king hes going to feel like one because he deserves to and he makes me feel like a queen sometimes even a goddess  damn it i love him. i just love him. and i wish he knew. im wring him a letter im not sure if i ever am going to let him read it but im making it... fuck