venting 1 (love life)

ok i dont know where to start
i cant tell if im more pissed or happy. if i should feel hate or love. honestly . why? why do i let shit like this get to me now i use let that shit go. ok although i truely believe i love this boy (michael) i cant get over simple shit. fuck him for breaking my heart 2 twice 2nd time worst than the last. fuck him for not caring about my devotion to make him happy and putting him before myself because i harldy do that for anyone i will never understand why i give him this attention he has far too much conrol over my life and i hate it . my thoughts are him. my dreams all about him. anything i write, say, think, do all revoles around him and to him it means nothing yet i cant stop and i want to i really do ive tryed. i lose sleep for him every night to keep him happy and entrtained. i lose privlages . i change. i become someone im not for him and ill become the person i always wanted to be for him. i would change and give up everything, do what ever i have to if i even think for a second it will please him.and i dont understand it. before if i felt the slightest bit of doubt or problem in a relationship or if i have a crush and somethings not right then just like that im done that person is now trash.fuck his stupid ass girlfriend he wouldnt even be with her if it wasnt for me and i dont fucking understand why if u like a girl because she reminds u of someone else and u can have that someone else why stay with that person? can she give u something i cant? and why if u like her so much why would u bully her for almost the whole year and have everyone talk about a hoe but the second she does some slick sligh shit to u u suddently want to act like it never happened and blame everyone else for what you started and make everyone else the criminal for what u fucking did. i didnt call her a hoe untill u gave me a good reason to and when i denied it she gave me all the reasons not to yet its still my fault. but i guess your right it is my fault for letting you turn me into a bitterr bitch and a bully. fuck you michael for everything youve done to me and fuck my feeling and this shitty heart of mine for falling for the bullshit. like really did i even hear what u where saying at the time ? "your the first girl ive ever dated and the girl i want to marry i promise" yeah ok bull shit cuz where are we now? u claim that u love me and that we are bestfriends but you bull shit me everyday u show no love in your text you claim to miss me but have every excuse to not come see me and hardly contact me we all know you have no fucking life you sleep eat and be a fuck boy all day. and god it works for you.... but im being foolish agian because i can sit here and point out 50+ reason why i should hate you but still find 100+ reasons to love u and turn that 50 negitives to positives . it just goes to show how foolish i truly am. on the 26 that friday. when i looked you in your damn eyes and saw u crying i felt like it was my fault cuz i made a promise to take care of you and keep you happy. i didnt do it because i was asked i did it because i love you and i just wanted to. you let the damn girl break your heart and the next day you welcomed her with open arms but even though it makes me mad every day  ask u to do the same with me to forgive me for what i did to you. to welcome me with open arms and trust me. i see why u wouldnt want to but shit if it was so easy for you to do for her why is it so hard with me ? like i said you dont love me you dont care. your just fucking with me for revenge and u know it and you wont admit it because u know if u do you can never have that power over me again. so you let me hold on to fauls hope so u can hurt me. the way i hurt you right? so i can feel the pain you felt that day? is that what it is? is that what u want? because youve hurt me in ways i couldnt even image. i cry so often now and i cry everywhere in my clost in my bed , shower, streets, school, parks, everywhere i hardly ever cried before meeting you. i cry just thinking about u . at one point my biggest fear was to here you say that you hate me and those words just the tought of you wanting to say it killed me. i cried instantly . when u told me you didnt want to be friends i cryed i screamed i pulled my skin and ripped my hair out i through tantrums and attempted suicide multiple times.and all because we had a minor problem. i hate when u dont let me talk to you cause i have so much bottled up and i want to say it but even if we talk 100% honestly i know i will only spend the time i have to talk to trying to explain how much i love you in hopes that it will make a difference and that u could understand and see that i do love you and that i want want to be good to you  and love you and treat you right and show u i can and will do it but i know after its all said and done you wont say anything or you will just ask is that it as if its not enough.... and my heart will hurt again and i would just want to kill you luitlleraly kill you in the most burtal way. then wonder why i spent the time telling u how much i love you rather than explaining how much i hate you........fuck you michael i asked you not to make me fall in love and yes YOU MADE ME MADE. ME. its not someting i have control over cuz i tried to avoi it i swear i tried puhing you away and and not falling but you just always came at me twice as hard and after fighting for so long i gave in because you gave me every reason to love you and you mended my broken heart that had been broken and hurt for years befoe i met you by people who mean more than you and somehow u fixed it and that was all i needed but now i feel like shit because ive been sitting infront of my computer for 5 hours waiting for you to just simply look at my text. and ....is stupid it really is. i knew it i knew i should have never told you that day that i loved u i knew i should have just broken up with u when i found out you no longer loved me i knew i should have ended it a long time ago but no ... now i have to suffer because this is the price of my stupid actions. and my selfishness.shame full i still feel like i didnt learn anything at all..over a year dealing with u and still nothing....and i had people who cared about me. bestfriends, family, crushes. people who cared about me that i cared about that i pushed away because i figure it would pleas you because you where just so unhappy when they where around.katherine. my bestfriend for 6 years by my side though thick and thin and was my ex too and still stayed my friend she took care of me when my own mother wouldnt and i pushed her away for u because when we hung out it made you jealos. and after i pushed her away she still fucking came around and still fucking takes acre of me i didnt even give her a reason why i though thoses 5 years away like that and she didnt care because in her mind we never actually stoped being friends. i didnt text her. call her, go see her, no updates, i blocked her at one point. and she still came around. then den he trusted you. den doesnt trust anyone ever, not even me he loves me hes saved my life over 4 times hes always stoped me before doing someting foolish and that boy was a damn angel. he devoted everything to me and he left me because he trusted that you michael that you could take care of me better than him. ... its impossible. i pushed james away. rosario, my dad, my grandma, my couisn so many people who have been with me for years just for you and our relaionship and you wont even smile for me.your wrothless your a pices of shit michael.. and if u love me the way u say you do then why did you do it why did you say yes to breaking up why did you find a different girl, why wont you talk to me and whydont you tell me the truth untill we are fighting and even then why is it onlly beating around the bush? why isnt it the whole truth. why is it that i even tho i have so many reasons to hate you... im still maddly in love with u. why dont you love me anymore and why wont you admit it?