Awareness on the black community

Lets make one thing clear... If you don’t understand why ‪#‎blacklivesmatter‬is a thing and you are trying to change the tag to ‪#‎alllivesmatter‬ then you clearly don't understand what the black community is about which means YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you are apart of the ‪#‎lgbt‬ community and aren't speaking up about this even though you know what its like to be discriminated against and have your people killed and abused by others and still don't see a reason for your input or the relation of these 2 problems then YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you don’t understand that the ground you walk on is a world war 3 battle ground, YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you don’t not care about the situation in which is going on and has constantly been going on for years nor are you trying to make a difference. YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you don’t feel that the way the Black community is being treated is wrong then you probably are not Black, Latino,Asian, or any other race that has been treated badly by this specific group that is giving the White community a bad name which means YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you are going around being pissed off at white people because of the bad actions taken by other white people, then you clearly don’t see that you are doing the same thing that bad bunch have been doing for years to the black community and its sad it also means YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you are going around trying to kill cops on the spot or killing minority or are killing anyone in general YOU are in fact apart of the damn problem.

If you haven’t even lifted a finger or opened your mouth for even a second on all these bad situations YOU are not only not helping the majority of people in the world but YOU are also apart of the problem.

If your not involved in anything to help put a end to this madness then you guessed it YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

If you don’t see fault in these actions YOU are in fact apart of the problem.

Also if you have a problem with anything i just said you don’t need to be on my page because i am a proud black female who may have more black children who will in fact walk these streets proudly in there own skin and live their damn lives happily and equal to all others not giving a single fuck about anyone who tells them to do other wise and those children will encourage not only the black race but see anyone else of any race or religion, size or weight, sexuality or gender as their own and will treat them with the respect they deserve to because that’s what i believe in and that’s all they should believe in. Just so you know if you have a problem with any of this then YOU ARE IN FACT APART OF THE PROBLEM so you can ever so kindly fuck off. :)

finally got a keyboard i can get back to my feels now this is great

Plant love

I want to be your plant, an aloe vera. With pricks that stick and hurts like shit, when you get too close close enough to Harm. When you breathe out I want to breathe in. You exhale carbon dioxide I exhale oxygen. It keeps those lungs filled with my love and pumps your every heartbeat. Making you feel alive. I want my natural beauty to amaze you. Without you I can die. It will take a while because I’m independent and strong but if you’re gone for too long that beautiful green glow you know turns into this rotten brown and I no longer stand but fall to the ground. My body decays if you don’t water me with your love at least once a week. Since you got me always prayed that you were different and not like they say. Fear the day you cut me open and my slimy healing and sides you'd still for your own use to treat the cuts and bruises from the past abuse that past lovers left behind leaving the damaged heart and tears in your eyes. Some things i just cannot heal, this is the truth this is what’s real. Just watch me grow bigger and better stay by my side through the coldest weather I will show you a beauty that no one else can I will keep you company and even let you hold my hand.

just being honest

I hate that i changed for a boy who still left anyways and that i blame everyone else but myself for it.

I have pushed all my friends way but keep telling myself they left me.

I eat and get bigger and i honestly dont know why i do it but i keep telling myself its to see who really loves me who my true friends are.

I cut my hair or rip it out when i dont want to be the same person anymore.

I am truly in love with Michael S. Kearse and i will never tell him the real reason why... just bits and pieces but never the whole real reason.not that he cares anyways.

I hate almost everyone around me and its because im a failure.

I still dont believe i will ever get married because i dont believe in that kind of love although i felt it.

I my most foolish thought in the past year and a half was believing that it could work out so long as i had him and her by my side and thinking that they are my best friends.

I hate that i cant be the best friend i always wanted to be 100% of the time... its the thing i want the most to find someone who finds comfort in me and that they can do the same for me.

I have that i force things when i feel like im failing although i know im not i just feel that way  because things arent happening the way i want or how i planed.

I never planned on falling in love...thats why i hate that i am.

I did 3 things for the first time in the last year. 1. fall in love. 2. lost faith in god or anything else good i believed in. 3. begged and wished to feel empty again because the feeling i have now is too much.

I now believe being a teen was not the hardest part of my life.

This year I was so close to selling my soul to the devil just to have a boy look me in my face and smile. im so fucking stupid.

The years 2005, 2014 and 2015 will forever go down in my history of being the worst years of my life and June will be the month i despise the most.

I had a new goal. it was that i would be the first female in my family to marry her "high school sweet heart" with out being sperated for years first just so i could be happy and in love with him and not have to worry about him dying first. now i know that we wont get married. id be lucky if we are even friends.

For the first time ever living was not the scariest thing but losing a friend was and not by death.

I haven't got to be 100% honest with anyone not even myself because i always leave something out. <- this sentence so far is the most honest thing ive said my entire life.(maybe)

If i had one wish and knew it would come true with out any quarks im not sure if i would waist it on love or on someone elses life just to make them happy or if id wish for my dream life to come true ... yeah maybe my dream life it seems most realistic because i planned for my dream life not to be perfect just so it could be real. of corse no one will understand what i mean by that.

I abused an animal for the first time in a few years and this time i didnt feel bad about it... at least shes ok.

I am disgusted in who ive become by being myself so i plan to become the person i always wanted to be. only thing is i have been slacking and i feel more like my mother than anybody.

I have alot of negative energy now and its because ive bottled up my feelings for so long. my jealousy makes me the worst person.

I the person i love the most is the person i hate the 2nd most so i dont know what to feel but i keep thinking i would feel better if i felt more hate because then i wouldn't have to feel this pain thats driven by the love.

I still lied to Michael when he asked me to be honest because i thought it would help our relationship.

I wont tell katherine any of my real problems only the stuff that she can detect on her own.

I have always felt comfort in telling strangers the truth rather than my friends or family. there are alot of reasons why but... i dont know.

I know my grandmas dieing soon. ive known for a while. ive never cryed at a funeral i always laugh. but i dont know this time. im not going to be able to handle it because this time im going to lose the person i claimed as my mother the first person i loved or cared about my role model my friend and my grandma all at once and it hurts and im scared i wont have anyone to turn to anymore the first person to ever tell me they love me and shes going to be gone and im the only one that knows i hate this i want to stop crying but i cant i dont know what to do

Dec-26-

I feel so warm in side just so fucking happy when he blows that kiss and agrees to loving me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6HYI2fRtfo

venting 1 (parents and child)

this post mainly goes out to my mother theres not much i have to say about my dad because we have never really had much of a problem.
ok first off if if you dont want the responsibility of have a child  this includes taking care of them giving them attention feeding then helping with there problems etc.etc. then dont have a damn child this does not mean get an abortion or stuff like that this means 1 dont have sex 2 if your pregnant put the child up for adoption 3 grow the fuck up and raise the child or give it to someone who can and never show your fucking face again. if your child is taught from a young age you are the person that they have to look up to get your shit together and show them that no matter how bad shit gets your there for them. never would i have thought if you asked me at 5 that my mother would be the person i hated the most maybe dislike her for some of the shit she does but not hate her now i understand that people have it worse that some people are not lucky enough to even have their parents in their life but honestly it mite be better off that way and im sorry to those who do have parents in their lifes who treat them way worse than mine treat me because i cant even imagine what they are feeling right now. all that pain and rage and confusion and the hunch you will never get over im sorry i swear i am and my words mite not help but if they could id send so much love because a parent is never suppose to neglect their child regardless if the child is "dis formed, disabled, colored, a sex that they dont want, gay, straight, fat, skinny, tall, short, non talented, or of any race or religion they dont approve of or even if the child was from rape" at the end of the day no matter the story a child is a child that child is your child I DONT CARE IF THE FUCKING BABY COMES OUT LOOKING LIKE ALL THE DAMN ALIENS FROM MEN IN BLACK MERGED TOGETHER. THAT CHILD IS YOUR CHILD. RAISE IT AND RAISE IT RIGHT!!!! i dont care if your child grows up and tells the world HE prefers dick rather than pussy... or if SHE wants pussy rather than dick. or that SHE wants to become a HE  .or that HE wants to become a SHE or that they want to dress in drag or be a cross dresser. i dont care if your child has 2 fucking private parts of different genders or two damn heads. i dont care if your child wants to date a different race or practice different religions or wants to eat like a pig all day everyday or what ever the case may be. support your fucking child stay by your child side. if you disapprove of something they do bring it up once respectfully and if they want to keep doing it because it makes them happy let them do it ( this does not include drugs, prostituting, killing, rape, abuse, animal abuse, or bullying if your child is doing any of this then either you did something wrong as a parent or they where taught from someone else or earn by them self but should still be taught that its wrong and get them some help. help isnt always payed for you live in a world with others have people RESPECTFULLY talk to your child and hopefully talk them out of that stuff) you know that shit anit right and sometimes the drugs are just a faze the bulling is just to cover up something else or to get attention and shit like that but sometimes its not sometimes they go back to it or they just do it because they want to ive met people like that ive changed people like that because all that ever happens when they do stuff like that is get called "animals, sick" really and no one stops for a second to think theres a reason behind it all even if the reason is just because they want to do it they are still human and some humans are monsters but only because that what they are taught or driven to. support your child help your child LET YOUR FUCKING CHILD KNOW SOMEONE CARES AND DOESN'T WANT THEM TO HURT THEMSELVES FOR DOING STUPID SHIT. give your child someone to trust. also never be a hater to your own fucking child. my own mother tells me that i will never be successful never get married she laughs in my face when im crying she threatens me and bullys me she beats me up (no not ass whippings when im being bad she fucking fights me when shes mad) she cares more about her drop out privileged son more than me (love your children equally = really) she throws my stuff out and trys to kill me and the second someone comes around she becomes phony acts like she would never do any of that and when i try to get help "oh she delusional she crazy i would never i love my child i want the best for my child i want her to be successful" yeah ok fuck you mom and only 2 or 3 of my friends have ever seen my mom act that way just a little hint of it and im glad they have because they are the only people that can help me be saved. when i as little i believed that someone kid napped my real mom and replaced her with a clone that hates everyone. because there was a time my mother wasn't like this but maybe she was being phony because she never actually had us alone there was always people around . and after we fight she tries to be sweet then she claims to be bi polar... bitch no because you dont act like that to the nigga fucking u and laying in your bed eery night or your son. so shut the fuck up. now although i can go on about my mom and others with their children lets turn to my dad. now i some what have the stereo tipicult "black" father but heres the difference my dads not around NOT because he doesn't want to be but because every time he tries to my mother bullies him and pushes him away and sometimes he cant aford it and i like me and my fathers separated relationship i get to see him we chill talk and keep in contact my dad has hardly ever gve me a problem we fought once and every time we do have a problem its usually when hes drunk. but my thing is if you ever in my life dont come in this shit and act like you run everything you do not control me 100% i am a child not a puppet. now i respect my father because he still makes an effort to see us no matter how much he gets pushed away or bullied or disrespected or doesnt have the money he walks from where he lives to my house to come see us when he cant aford transportation. and he apologizes for hes drunken actions and he tries to make up for it and he tries to keep his word as often as possible hes not all in my bisness all the time and shit and another thing my father hates gays absolutely hates gays. one time he walked in my house to me kissing another girl my best friend and at that moment my girlfriend and he saw it got mad and left at that time he was living with us because i had convened my mother to let him stay with us through his struggle and when he saw that i was kissing her he grabbed all his shit a disappeared for a month he said nothing when he left and he looked so angry but when he came back he took me for a walk and told me he didnt care that i was bi and although he disapproved of it he still loved me the same and if its what made me happy then let it be hes cool with Katherine now and he just doent care when i talk about girls if anything our bond has grown stronger and we can talk about alot more ^.^ but because i know he still disapproves i try not to over do it lol he will punch me in my arm. like buddy punches. the kinds that hurt but dont say i hate you... buddy punches people... anyhoe (anyways) my fathers never really put his hads on me not even when he was drunk and the whole family was fighting i even broke a mirror over his head and even then he didnt hit me. and after a while we just talked because words get to the heart faster than actions although actions speak louder than words... he keeps his distance when he fucks up after apologizing and showing that hes sorry. and he tryes to make up for it so after a while i can for give his shit cuz he makes the effort but. my mom... yeah lucky her  i actually hate her so much i stoped calling her my mother for years i called her by her first name and i cant wait untill i get older to disown her . that day will be one of my grates achievements i swear to finaly cut her off and never have to see or hear from her again. :D such a peaceful thought but for now  i have to brave this on my own until i become independent with money and am old enough and intelligent enough to file those papers only thing i worry is to legally disown a parent you still need there permission to do it... uggh laws and rules they suck i swear but oh well i will just have to work at it for now. but anyways do your job as a parent please or let someone who is willing and wanting to do it step in. (please excuse my spelling im not only bad at it but i was rushing while typing this.)

venting 1 (love life)

ok i dont know where to start
i cant tell if im more pissed or happy. if i should feel hate or love. honestly . why? why do i let shit like this get to me now i use let that shit go. ok although i truely believe i love this boy (michael) i cant get over simple shit. fuck him for breaking my heart 2 twice 2nd time worst than the last. fuck him for not caring about my devotion to make him happy and putting him before myself because i harldy do that for anyone i will never understand why i give him this attention he has far too much conrol over my life and i hate it . my thoughts are him. my dreams all about him. anything i write, say, think, do all revoles around him and to him it means nothing yet i cant stop and i want to i really do ive tryed. i lose sleep for him every night to keep him happy and entrtained. i lose privlages . i change. i become someone im not for him and ill become the person i always wanted to be for him. i would change and give up everything, do what ever i have to if i even think for a second it will please him.and i dont understand it. before if i felt the slightest bit of doubt or problem in a relationship or if i have a crush and somethings not right then just like that im done that person is now trash.fuck his stupid ass girlfriend he wouldnt even be with her if it wasnt for me and i dont fucking understand why if u like a girl because she reminds u of someone else and u can have that someone else why stay with that person? can she give u something i cant? and why if u like her so much why would u bully her for almost the whole year and have everyone talk about a hoe but the second she does some slick sligh shit to u u suddently want to act like it never happened and blame everyone else for what you started and make everyone else the criminal for what u fucking did. i didnt call her a hoe untill u gave me a good reason to and when i denied it she gave me all the reasons not to yet its still my fault. but i guess your right it is my fault for letting you turn me into a bitterr bitch and a bully. fuck you michael for everything youve done to me and fuck my feeling and this shitty heart of mine for falling for the bullshit. like really did i even hear what u where saying at the time ? "your the first girl ive ever dated and the girl i want to marry i promise" yeah ok bull shit cuz where are we now? u claim that u love me and that we are bestfriends but you bull shit me everyday u show no love in your text you claim to miss me but have every excuse to not come see me and hardly contact me we all know you have no fucking life you sleep eat and be a fuck boy all day. and god it works for you.... but im being foolish agian because i can sit here and point out 50+ reason why i should hate you but still find 100+ reasons to love u and turn that 50 negitives to positives . it just goes to show how foolish i truly am. on the 26 that friday. when i looked you in your damn eyes and saw u crying i felt like it was my fault cuz i made a promise to take care of you and keep you happy. i didnt do it because i was asked i did it because i love you and i just wanted to. you let the damn girl break your heart and the next day you welcomed her with open arms but even though it makes me mad every day  ask u to do the same with me to forgive me for what i did to you. to welcome me with open arms and trust me. i see why u wouldnt want to but shit if it was so easy for you to do for her why is it so hard with me ? like i said you dont love me you dont care. your just fucking with me for revenge and u know it and you wont admit it because u know if u do you can never have that power over me again. so you let me hold on to fauls hope so u can hurt me. the way i hurt you right? so i can feel the pain you felt that day? is that what it is? is that what u want? because youve hurt me in ways i couldnt even image. i cry so often now and i cry everywhere in my clost in my bed , shower, streets, school, parks, everywhere i hardly ever cried before meeting you. i cry just thinking about u . at one point my biggest fear was to here you say that you hate me and those words just the tought of you wanting to say it killed me. i cried instantly . when u told me you didnt want to be friends i cryed i screamed i pulled my skin and ripped my hair out i through tantrums and attempted suicide multiple times.and all because we had a minor problem. i hate when u dont let me talk to you cause i have so much bottled up and i want to say it but even if we talk 100% honestly i know i will only spend the time i have to talk to trying to explain how much i love you in hopes that it will make a difference and that u could understand and see that i do love you and that i want want to be good to you  and love you and treat you right and show u i can and will do it but i know after its all said and done you wont say anything or you will just ask is that it as if its not enough.... and my heart will hurt again and i would just want to kill you luitlleraly kill you in the most burtal way. then wonder why i spent the time telling u how much i love you rather than explaining how much i hate you........fuck you michael i asked you not to make me fall in love and yes YOU MADE ME MADE. ME. its not someting i have control over cuz i tried to avoi it i swear i tried puhing you away and and not falling but you just always came at me twice as hard and after fighting for so long i gave in because you gave me every reason to love you and you mended my broken heart that had been broken and hurt for years befoe i met you by people who mean more than you and somehow u fixed it and that was all i needed but now i feel like shit because ive been sitting infront of my computer for 5 hours waiting for you to just simply look at my text. and ....is stupid it really is. i knew it i knew i should have never told you that day that i loved u i knew i should have just broken up with u when i found out you no longer loved me i knew i should have ended it a long time ago but no ... now i have to suffer because this is the price of my stupid actions. and my selfishness.shame full i still feel like i didnt learn anything at all..over a year dealing with u and still nothing....and i had people who cared about me. bestfriends, family, crushes. people who cared about me that i cared about that i pushed away because i figure it would pleas you because you where just so unhappy when they where around.katherine. my bestfriend for 6 years by my side though thick and thin and was my ex too and still stayed my friend she took care of me when my own mother wouldnt and i pushed her away for u because when we hung out it made you jealos. and after i pushed her away she still fucking came around and still fucking takes acre of me i didnt even give her a reason why i though thoses 5 years away like that and she didnt care because in her mind we never actually stoped being friends. i didnt text her. call her, go see her, no updates, i blocked her at one point. and she still came around. then den he trusted you. den doesnt trust anyone ever, not even me he loves me hes saved my life over 4 times hes always stoped me before doing someting foolish and that boy was a damn angel. he devoted everything to me and he left me because he trusted that you michael that you could take care of me better than him. ... its impossible. i pushed james away. rosario, my dad, my grandma, my couisn so many people who have been with me for years just for you and our relaionship and you wont even smile for me.your wrothless your a pices of shit michael.. and if u love me the way u say you do then why did you do it why did you say yes to breaking up why did you find a different girl, why wont you talk to me and whydont you tell me the truth untill we are fighting and even then why is it onlly beating around the bush? why isnt it the whole truth. why is it that i even tho i have so many reasons to hate you... im still maddly in love with u. why dont you love me anymore and why wont you admit it?