I have pushed all my friends way but keep telling myself they left me.
I eat and get bigger and i honestly dont know why i do it but i keep telling myself its to see who really loves me who my true friends are.
I cut my hair or rip it out when i dont want to be the same person anymore.
I am truly in love with Michael S. Kearse and i will never tell him the real reason why... just bits and pieces but never the whole real reason.not that he cares anyways.
I hate almost everyone around me and its because im a failure.
I still dont believe i will ever get married because i dont believe in that kind of love although i felt it.
I my most foolish thought in the past year and a half was believing that it could work out so long as i had him and her by my side and thinking that they are my best friends.
I hate that i cant be the best friend i always wanted to be 100% of the time... its the thing i want the most to find someone who finds comfort in me and that they can do the same for me.
I have that i force things when i feel like im failing although i know im not i just feel that way because things arent happening the way i want or how i planed.
I never planned on falling in love...thats why i hate that i am.
I did 3 things for the first time in the last year. 1. fall in love. 2. lost faith in god or anything else good i believed in. 3. begged and wished to feel empty again because the feeling i have now is too much.
I now believe being a teen was not the hardest part of my life.
This year I was so close to selling my soul to the devil just to have a boy look me in my face and smile. im so fucking stupid.
The years 2005, 2014 and 2015 will forever go down in my history of being the worst years of my life and June will be the month i despise the most.
I had a new goal. it was that i would be the first female in my family to marry her "high school sweet heart" with out being sperated for years first just so i could be happy and in love with him and not have to worry about him dying first. now i know that we wont get married. id be lucky if we are even friends.
For the first time ever living was not the scariest thing but losing a friend was and not by death.
I haven't got to be 100% honest with anyone not even myself because i always leave something out. <- this sentence so far is the most honest thing ive said my entire life.(maybe)
If i had one wish and knew it would come true with out any quarks im not sure if i would waist it on love or on someone elses life just to make them happy or if id wish for my dream life to come true ... yeah maybe my dream life it seems most realistic because i planned for my dream life not to be perfect just so it could be real. of corse no one will understand what i mean by that.
I abused an animal for the first time in a few years and this time i didnt feel bad about it... at least shes ok.
I am disgusted in who ive become by being myself so i plan to become the person i always wanted to be. only thing is i have been slacking and i feel more like my mother than anybody.
I have alot of negative energy now and its because ive bottled up my feelings for so long. my jealousy makes me the worst person.
I the person i love the most is the person i hate the 2nd most so i dont know what to feel but i keep thinking i would feel better if i felt more hate because then i wouldn't have to feel this pain thats driven by the love.
I still lied to Michael when he asked me to be honest because i thought it would help our relationship.
I wont tell katherine any of my real problems only the stuff that she can detect on her own.
I have always felt comfort in telling strangers the truth rather than my friends or family. there are alot of reasons why but... i dont know.
I know my grandmas dieing soon. ive known for a while. ive never cryed at a funeral i always laugh. but i dont know this time. im not going to be able to handle it because this time im going to lose the person i claimed as my mother the first person i loved or cared about my role model my friend and my grandma all at once and it hurts and im scared i wont have anyone to turn to anymore the first person to ever tell me they love me and shes going to be gone and im the only one that knows i hate this i want to stop crying but i cant i dont know what to do
