fruits basket...

that bitter depression that comes with episode 8 of fruits basket....a heart breaking love story. my favorite candy with a dull taste but it gets me each time.

"theres no place for a rice ball in a fruits basket" <3 </3

100 things to learn from so little time.

Letter to Michael 2

Dear Michael S. Kearse,


Thank you, I love you. I am Sorry. I miss you. Do you love and miss me too?

That right there could be the whole letter as a few sentences. but i have much more to say so in advance i am sorry for having you read so many notes.

Thank you. for mending my heart after years worth of pain and heart break. For being there for me when no one else was. For loving me. For treating my like a queen and making me feel like a goddess. For putting up with my constant bullshit and weirdness. For sticking around when i asked you to go but really needed you to stay.For coming around when i pushed you away. For not leaving when i was a complete bitch to you. For making me feel beautiful. For taking my pain and hurt away.For doing the things i thought were impossible.For showing me how to love again.Thank you for so much more and everything you have ever done for me.

I love you. Like actually love you. you have done so much for me and you just cant understand how i feel. but i love you that's for sure.

I am sorry for how i treated you. For never showing you that i appreciate everything you did for me. For never showing you that i love you, For breaking your heart. For being an asshole to you because i don't know how to express my love for you.For never telling nor showing how grateful i am and was to have you in my life.For being a bad girlfriend and a friend. For spilling my heart to you far "too late" (never too late but was too late for us to get back together.) For trying to destroy your new relationship because of jealousy.For hurting you so many times. For rushing things. For you know ....sexual things.For the things i didn't say. For everything else i did and didn't do.For being an obsessive creep.

I miss you. I honestly miss being with you i cant get over that.I swear the second you give me the chance to be with you again im dropping everything and doing just that. Im going to prove to you that i love you and show it this time im going to try and make up for everything and im not going to make the same mistakes anymore. Just so you know. Im going to treat you like the King that you are.I just want to hug you and kiss you hard, give you the world and be your Queen.I kinda just want you to myself. Sorry if im being selfish. <3 <3 <3 

Im curios how you feel because you hardly ever tell me how you feel and when you do (Please don't kill me) honestly i get distracted by the voices in my head yelling "i love you" and "kiss him".Its hard for me to actually listen you also you speak low and i cant hear u when u talk and you don't like to repeat stuff so.... Yeah. Sorry. Just wondering if you miss me or love me and stuff... These sorry's and questions must be annoying i hope im not being a nag.(Just know that im for real.)

july/8/2015 just a piece of mind

i wonder if he has any idea how i feel about him. i feel stupid a lot when it comes to him because i find myself loving him then thinking if he loves me back then feeling like he does but everything that makes me feel like he does can be applied to the other girl in his life the things i don't know about him.then something reminds me can also hate me more than anything. something i hate about him is that he doesn't speak his mind and when he tries he worries to much about saying the right words and piecing it together to get the reaction he wants then he worries about hurting the other person or what would/ could happen depending on what he says rather than just saying how he feels the best he can. there's so much i want ugghhh i want him to know that im his best friend and if he wants his lover that he can tell me anything and everything regardless of what or who its about if he wants even if its about me i want him to be happy and i want to be the one that causes his happiness and takes away his pain i want him to know that he has a home and a 2nd one that people love him for real and they care that nothing in this world can make me stop loving him but him. i want him to feel save and peace when i hug him and look into his eyes. i want him to feel what i feel when he is around me _ minus the pain hurt and wonder that comes with the evil thought that he doesn't feel the same and that i mite be the thing he despises the most secondary to whatever hurts his girlfriend and stops them from being together. i want him to understand that i want to see and know that he is more than ok that hes happy even if im not the cause that his happiness and peace is more import to me than my own life and what will happen to the other people i love after im gone.i want him to understand how much he means to me.i want him happy i want his healthy i want him satisfied but i also want him to myself . i hate being selfish but im in love and there's no doubting it that i can tell the difference now between crushing falling and actually loving. honestly love is painful because no matter what u do or say all you want is to put the person you love before everything because you feel without them that there is nothing. with out them you have nothing no friends no family no thoughts no voice no feeling no vision of anything around you if there is anything to be around you no light no dark no nothing. every day 3 things run through my mind the memories of the moment i feel in love with him that day in the park the day and memories of the time i almost lost him and how i reacted screaming in terror and violently shaking losing fate in god and the memories of his face when he was heartbroken and how i felt when i saw it when i saw his drowning eyes and red face when i saw and felt the sadness and sickness in his face and thinking about it now i noticed something each one of those times all i remember is being breathless saying nothing staireing at nothing blankly and feeling fear each time all i felt was fear. not fake fear like the kind when some scares you but real fear the one that scars you forever and literally doesn't get worse its the same feeling you feel empty you have 10000 to 0 thoughts all at once you know your shaking and your eyes are bouncing around but your sight is focused each time i felt this fear moments are the 1st thing that goes through my mind is wow i really love him damn i hurt him and i cant fucking fix it why am i here? this fear there's no tears no heart beat nothing and all though its fear you just aren't scared you just know you don't want to feel it again. i keep feeling like he doesn't love me that for some reason he doesn't want me to exist but he always tells me otherwise he hasn't said it yet he hasn't said the words "i dont love you" or "i hate you" but i feel it like when i felt his love and when i felt the absence of it too. i wish he would say it if its true but at the same time i fear itt he most to know to be 100% sure he doesn't ...love me. some days i feel like he is leading me on just so he can break me so i can feel what ever it was he feel when i broke his heart.......ugh i hate saying that I BROKE HIS HEART what the fuck is wrong with me how could i do that to him after everything hes done for me? why? why did i do it? how could it? am i really that much of a bitch am i really that fucking stupid? ever scene he told me that i haven't looked at my face or body the same i look in the mirror and see my mom. breeana no longer exist everyone else has always been imaginary. i broke his heart. i hurt the boy that took away my greatest pain and fear I BETRAYED HIM i was raped when i was little not once but 3 times by my uncles cousins and 4th boyfriend. i saw my aunts heartbroken and seen people commit suicide right before my eyes ive seen my pets get killed and abused beaten seen peoples heads bashed in and have been in abusive relationships all before i even turned 10 and stupid shit and i seen it all and always chose to ignore it because i was tough 1 thing by my mother that if you ignore monsters they will go away these things were my monsters but they never go away they just keep coming and now i am one because i became one of the monsters i hate the most...a heart breaker. i remember being in my closet that day it was dark and i closed out every bit of light there was and for hours i screamed and screamed untill i couldn't any more i cried untill i passed out and when i woke up no one was there to save me i cut my legs and carved the thing that bothered me the most in them just words and cuts rape,mom,abuse, all of it carving it into myself just couldnt stop and till this day no one really knows i told Michael but barely. my mother is clueless she use to come in the bathroom and see the blood on the tolet and sink and in the tub and she found the razors in my room but never knew i ut myself she ignored me when i showed her and told her about it and she acts as if it never happen then wonder why i hate her WHY HAVE A CHILD IF YOUR NOT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM sometimes when she does hear my problems she laughs in my face she makes me sick. all the pain, rage,hate,sickness everything i feel and felt before Michael took it away he made me happy and treated me like he love me more than anyone in this world and because i told myself that no can love me if my own mother cant i just ignored it and pushed him way i broke up with him and broke his heart and even after all that he fucking stayed not just once i keep making the same dumb ass mistake i hurt him several times and each time he came back and did nothing but loved me harder and i couldn't even tell him how much i appreciate it i didn't even tell him how much i love him simply because i was scared and im just sorry for it im sorry that we even met because he is a great guy and he never deserved to be treated like that. never i just have to repay him for everything he has done for me. i have to try and even this out i dont care if it takes the rest of my life i have to do it. he keeps telling me i saved him from killing himself that i saved his life but he gave me mine back after it was gone. how do you even....he mended my broken heart he put real smiles on my face he made be feel happiness i haven't felt in a long time. he managed to get me to want to marry and possibly have children he gave me a purpose for life he gave me a life and he loves me and what did i do for him besides hurt him? he gave nothing but good and all i did was take and gave nothing he must feel like the fucking giving tree or some shit. he has no clue. and although he did break my heart again after fixing it i jst forgive  him thats the least i could do. wont even bother to tell him. im waiting for the day i cant tell him how i feel tell him how i always felt and hear what he has to say just from his heart regardless if its good or bad i want him to know that im here for him how he was for me times 3 and if he loves me still after its all said and done im gonna give him the world im just going to do what ever it is to please him to repay him for all he has done twice as much i will 100% give him what ever i can what ever he wants. and hopefully marry him. im going to be loyal and honest im going to work hard with him or without him and do what ever be independent do i dont get on his nevers bite my tongue when i want to argue idk im going to do it right what ever it is. im going to make him happy better yet more than that. scene he is my king im going to treat him like he is the only existing one. im going to make him live that title of being king hes going to feel like one because he deserves to and he makes me feel like a queen sometimes even a goddess  damn it i love him. i just love him. and i wish he knew. im wring him a letter im not sure if i ever am going to let him read it but im making it... fuck

Storys of michael broken heart addition

This is heartbreak…

That tight pull tearing burning feeling in you chest
The explosive gas that makes you regeritate constantly in your tummy and sick taste in your through
That instant depression that doesn't even eez its way in it just pops up
That feeling of being so weak that you will be the luckiest person if you don't collapse the second you feel it
The burn in your eyes you get from trying with all your mite not to cry in public
The feeling that everything everyone gave up for you and u just can fix it
The feeling that life nor death even wants you
The feeling that all your happy memories were just building you up to drop you down a line that ends with a bed of the sharpest spikes and you know your going to feel each one with agonizing pains
This is what my heart break feels like but that said part is that its all real...

What happened to you?

Storys of michael 2

I swear I love michael but some days I have my doubt's about our relationship like how much I'm fucking it up and if he even cares anymore at this point .... I still want to be with him but at some point he just gonna leave I know he is. And its like I'm cutting the days off the less I trust him. I've noticed that I've been blaming him for the things my past have done then I keep listing to my mother she keeps saying that he doesn't really love me that he's most likely cheating that he.... Why the fuck do I believe her anyways she almost always wrong if michael is or has done anything to put our relationship in jepordy he would tell me like I tell him. And we would be able to work together and fix it or we would just let it go but I don't know it's not really him I don't trust its these hoe-ish  girls I mean I don't blame them because Durr michael is not only sexy but he is smart and sweet and extra loveable >~< mech and then its also michael lies to me but then again I lie to him too...I lie to everyone even myself my trust issues are getting in the way of the things I want the most like to stay with him or to be a better girlfriend... I want to talk to him about it but I don't think he wants to have these talks.... IMA just going to change my behavior and let what ever happens happen there is no point in me trying to save what's already... Uuggg only if we were just as honest as the days we were that made us get back together and if these girls would just leave michael alone...

Storys of michael

I know you probably are tired of me always bringing this stuff up but I have a lot to get off my chest

But you gotta understand that its really hard to hide emotions when you've been holding it in for so long
Its obvious that you may have somethings to say too but since you don't ever want to talk its kinda difficult to get along

I wasn't really mad at you when you were walking away I was upset because we aren't getting together and for some dumb reason I keep trying to change that so every time your with another girl or you leave me my heart breaks a little but the pain is massive

When your around jasmine and zanaya every time you hug a girl or leave with Louis or by yourself I get so fucking angry because I really feel like you are done with me and it seems like every time I attempt to fix it someone gets in the way and I feel like I'm in a compition  or your just not in the mood and I don't know what to do so I blame it on others and I secretly hate a lot of people because of it I only talk to other boys to get your attention your the only one that really matters to me

I don't know michael all I can say is I'm sorry.

How i made a monster

  Today is may-8-2015.

Around 4:30pm- 8:00pm I had my best friend/ ex boyfriend in my house and during that time i decided that if his girlfriend said I could "rape" him (sexualy tease him even when he doesn't want it) I chose to take as much advantage of that as Ipossibly could. Seeing as he had a girlfriend and we both disagree about cheating I figured hey why don't we tease but not let anything get out of hand. Well that obviously didn't go as planned for 2 and a half hours we were fine the teasing was on and off and he wouldn't even let me get all that close to him. I respected that so the teasing went from physical to verbal tho I was curled up in his arms like we ever movie fairy tale lovers. It was going perfectly fine. We were throwing sub's at each other (sub'sslang for planely hinting at ones past or currentactions talking about one or a group of people but oobvious enough not to make the wrong person think its about them.) We bugged at each other and we talked in our sexy voice whispered and even made funny faces. Cute right? But something he said made me climb on top of him thus making the teasing physical again and during the time of being on top of him in riding position he happened to thrust his boner on me causing me to bite my lip and my body to getwweak. I could barley hold myself up and my body was vibrating from fear and a sensible mix of hormones (Iam only 16 sadly) so iI leaned in closer Andi looked in his eyes and he made a face. I recognizedthe face bbecause we had been dating from June-2-2014 up until april-21-2015 we almost made a year on may second but I broke up with him because I thought he was cheating on me with girl girl he is currently dating and he was fine by it because he thought I was cheating on him with his 3rd best friend Louis which by the way Iwant bbecause I'mnot iinterested in him and if I wanted to be with Louis I would have left not cheated.